From Fuck You, Penguin…..
~Long relegated to the portion of consumers that were interested in blue animals, dolphins have finally made their move to take over the other half of the Cetacean market share. Introduced in the waters near Louisiana and expected to spread out into oceans nationwide throughout the year, a pink fucking dolphin made its debut last week.
“Until now, we’ve really only fit in boys’ rooms and accessorizing with us has been extremely limited,” said one power-hungry dolphin who doesn’t care who gets hurt. “This is really our best opportunity to spread into the Hello, Kitty market, and perhaps even find a new generation of dolphin fans.” Taking a monopolistic page from Microsoft, the dolphins have been packaging a free pink dolphin in with every blue dolphin, as seen in the photo attached.
As of press time, the dolphins’ heavily focus-grouped plan seems to be working, as the legendary blog/lifestyle “Fuck You, Penguin” has reported receiving hundreds of emails about this rosy asshole. “If I see one more fucking pink dolphin, I’m going to flip out,” said site creator/saintlike philanthropist bza. “They are so beautiful, and yet so rare, they make me want to stop showering and go on tour with them, and I don’t have time to do that because my work is too important and I don’t know how to hippy dance.”
But there’s still one demographic that has yet to absorb the impact of this development, and that’s the children. Bill McNeal, an expert on the psychological impact of cute animal abuse on defenseless fucking children at The Fake Institute (TFI), has begun immediate studies, funded in large part by FUP t-shirt profits. “So far, the children are fine,” said McNeal, “but the long-term effects must be examined over the coming years before these pink bastards can be cleared of all wrongdoing.
“Though,” he added, “no one really thinks that’s a possibility.”